The following piece was written by my first horse, Lancer, when he was eighteen years old. At that point he’d owned three riders during his career, and felt well-positioned to give other horses a few tips about rider ownership.

The Selection, Care and Training of the New Rider – by Lancer Spilsbury

When you’re shopping for a rider, remember there will be a lot more females to choose from than males. (No one knows why.) The good part is, female riders are generally easier to train, and will love you just for breathing and having four legs. Even the mature ones call their horse “honey bunny’ when they think no one can hear.

The test ride is when you establish control over your prospective rider. Use your judgment here. For example, don’t run with a green rider. You can walk and still be in charge, for example, when you decide it’s time to go back to the barn. If your rider is a bit more experienced, you can test her ability to manage the trot and canter. Look for someone who doesn’t bounce in the saddle or yank on your mouth. Don’t dump any rider unless you want her permanently out of your life. If you find a rider you really like, give her your best test ride. There will be plenty of time later to establish the pecking order. There are many subtle ways to establish dominance. For example, standing on her foot and pretending not to notice is very effective.

If you select an inexperienced rider, don’t be surprised if she does perplexing things at the beginning of your relationship.

One of my riders tried to take my blanket off with the belly strap still done up. Another time, she forgot to tighten my saddle all the way. The rule here is not to spook. Never mind how oogy it feels to have a saddle with a human in it slide under your belly. Inexperienced riders eventually outgrow these little quirks. Meantime, it pays not to get a reputation for being overly sensitive and high-strung.

Accept the fact that you’re going to be stuck wearing brushing boots or polo bandages or some other form of horse stocking. Your rider thinks it’s For Your Own Good, and you can’t change a rider’s mind about that sort of thing. I once spent several months trying to high-step my way out of red polo bandages, but my rider just ignored the whole thing. You may as well too.

Personal habits: some do’s and don’ts:

a) Do come to the gate when your rider comes to fetch you from the paddock. It will make her think you’ve been waiting all day to see her. If she doesn’t have a treat, you can always pretend there’s a blade of grass on the other side of the paddock that you hadn’t noticed before.

b) Do yawn all you want while your rider is putting the bit in your mouth. Riders think this is cute. If you keep yawning, though, she may get annoyed because you are now preventing her from fastening the noseband.

c) Speaking of treats, do work on your “Treat Face” for after rides when the carrots and the apples get handed out. Stretching your lips, nuzzling at pockets and tilting your head work well.

d) Don’t snarl or lunge at your rider during feeding time. She will not steal your supper.

e) Don’t nip your rider hard enough to leave a mark. Even though you will rarely see her husband, you don’t want him to start thinking poorly of you. Chances are, you’re already spending more time with her than he is.

In conclusion, rider ownership is a serious responsibility. Learning to keep your rider under control without her noticing is key to a long and happy relationship. If you look after your rider well, rider ownership will one of the most rewarding activities you will ever undertake. I wish you every success!

Straight from the horse’s mouth, this is Lancer Spilsbury, signing off.

Note: A long time ago, I used to write ‘horse funnies” for one of the horse magazines, in a column called “Horsefeathers”. This piece is based on one of the Horsefeathers.